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Press Release 2
Ranting & Raving

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Some things in this world are not easily explained. There is a reason for this.   However, I can't explain it. Possibly some of the insights presented here will enlighten and/or baffle you.


Chickens Are Funny

Why this is true is a matter scientists and non-scientists have been pondering for centuries. It probably has something to do with the "K" sound in the middle of the word "chicken". For this reason, hamsters are not as funny as chickens. A goose just doesn't make you laugh (unless well aimed) the way a chicken does. Baklava is funny for the same reason. Did anyone ever see a rubber turtle? NO! But rubber chickens have been around for years. Think about it.

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The FishNose Universal Unified Theory of Everything:

Einstein's goal was to create a Unified Theory.  I'm not comparing myself to Einstein, but there seems to be an overall way in which modern life works.  It becomes more clear every day that there is an underlying principle to life, the universe, and everything.  I call this "The FishNose Universal Unified Theory of Everything" and it is explained below.

  1. S**t comes out of everywhere.
  2. S**t gets all over everything.
  3. It's never distributed evenly.
  4. Somebody has to clean it up.
  5. It's never as easy as it looks.

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S**t comes out of everywhere.

Look around you. Every time you turn around there's some new s**t to deal with. Everything you touch turns to s**t. Everything that somebody else touches turns to s**t. Things that nobody touches turn to s**t. Other people are full of s**t. You're full of s**t (admit it). Life is nothing but dealing with s**t - yours and everybody else's.

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S**t gets all over everything.

Let's face it. When all that s**t comes out of everywhere, it has to have someplace to go. Check for yourself, it's everywhere! There's s**t in the newspapers and on television. There's s**t in the mail, there's s**t on the computer, and there's s**t in restaurants (they just disguise it). There's s**t in places you don't even look. If the world smells a little funny, especially on hot summer days, it's from all the s**t.

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It's never distributed evenly.

No matter where you stand, the majority of the s**t will get on you or your belongings.  Even if you occupy less than two percent of all the available space, it will find you.  The amount of s**t that gets on you (or your stuff) is inversely proportional to how important it is that you remain clean.  So, if everything around you is already a mess, and you're wearing a white suit, all of the s**t will get on your clothes and your body.

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Somebody has to clean it up.

After all, if you leave it where it is, it attracts flies and other vermin. Leave it long enough and you get maggots and more flies. Besides, the smell is pretty bad if you don't clean it up. It looks bad, too. So, someone has to put on heavy duty rubber gloves, a respirator, and hip boots. Then get in there and scrub until it shines. People will love you for it, because they don't want to be the ones to deal with the s**t.

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It's never as easy as it looks.

If you've ever been the one that has to clean it up, you know very well that s**t has some of the properties of hot glue. It sticks very well. It adheres better to some surfaces than others, but it almost never comes off easily. It takes plenty of elbow grease to get the s**t off. Usually, the amount of effort it takes to remove the s**t is in proportion to the importance that there be no s**t there. Also, the only people that think s**t removal is easy are those that have never had to scrape and hose it off of concrete or stucco.

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People to Stay Away From

  1. Anyone who doesn't swing their arms when they walk.
  2. People wearing t-shirts covered with drool (especially if it's somebody else's drool).
  3. Anyone who looks exactly like you.
  4. Anyone yodeling in an urban setting.
  5. Guys wearing sandals with socks at the beach.
  6. Anyone wearing their underwear outside their clothing.
  7. People with holes in the seat of their pants.
  8. Anyone who goes by the name "Goat Boy".
  9. Women wearing a tutu to work (unless they are ballerinas).
  10. Elevator salespersons.
  11. Insurance salespersons.
  12. Elevator insurance salespersons.
  13. Drunk people (unless you know them well).
  14. People with guns (unless you know them very well).
  15. Drunk people with guns (especially if you know them very well).
  16. This man ---> (very dangerous)!

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The Story of FishNose

Once upon a time, two gentlemen were discussing the vicissitudes and vagaries of life. The conversation went something like this:

R:

So, what should we do about next week's show?

C:

I don't have the foggiest idea. What do you think?

R:

Aw, who the f**k knows?

C:

I hate it when you call me f**knose.

R:

What would you like me to call you?

C:

Anything but "late for dinner."

R:

What is for dinner, anyhow?

C:

Fish.

R:

Okay then, how about fishnose?

It stuck!

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The FishNose Song

(make up your own melody)

Fishy, wishy in the brook,

Daddy catch you on a hook,

Mommy fry you in the pan,

Baby eat you like a man.

 

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momnewbann.gif (4081 bytes)Look at all of the things we can do for you!!!

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This page last updated 05/22/07