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Press Release
Press Release 2
Ranting & Raving
Shop at Fishnose
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Some things in this world are not easily explained. There is a reason for this.
However, I can't explain it. Possibly some of the insights presented here will enlighten
and/or baffle you.
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Why this is true is a matter scientists and non-scientists have been pondering for
centuries. It probably has something to do with the "K" sound in the middle of
the word "chicken". For this reason, hamsters are not as funny as chickens. A
goose just doesn't make you laugh (unless well aimed) the way a chicken does. Baklava is
funny for the same reason. Did anyone ever see a rubber turtle? NO! But rubber chickens
have been around for years. Think about it. |
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Einstein's goal was to create a Unified Theory. I'm not comparing myself to
Einstein, but there seems to be an overall way in which modern life works. It
becomes more clear every day that there is an underlying principle to life, the universe,
and everything. I call this "The FishNose Universal Unified Theory of
Everything" and it is explained below.
- S**t comes out of everywhere.
- S**t gets all over everything.
- It's never distributed evenly.
- Somebody has to clean it up.
- It's never as easy as it looks.
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Look around you. Every time you turn around there's some new s**t to deal with.
Everything you touch turns to s**t. Everything that somebody else touches turns to s**t.
Things that nobody touches turn to s**t. Other people are full of s**t. You're full of
s**t (admit it). Life is nothing but dealing with s**t - yours and everybody else's.
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Let's face it. When all that s**t comes out of everywhere, it has to have someplace to
go. Check for yourself, it's everywhere! There's s**t in the newspapers and on television.
There's s**t in the mail, there's s**t on the computer, and there's s**t in restaurants
(they just disguise it). There's s**t in places you don't even look. If the world smells a
little funny, especially on hot summer days, it's from all the s**t.
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No matter where you stand, the majority of the s**t will get on you or
your belongings. Even if you occupy less than two percent of all the
available space, it will find you. The amount of s**t that gets on you
(or your stuff) is inversely proportional to how important it is that you
remain clean. So, if everything around you is already a mess, and
you're wearing a white suit, all of the s**t will get on your clothes and
your body.
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After all, if you leave it where it is, it attracts flies and other vermin. Leave it
long enough and you get maggots and more flies. Besides, the smell is pretty bad if you
don't clean it up. It looks bad, too. So, someone has to put on heavy duty rubber gloves,
a respirator, and hip boots. Then get in there and scrub until it shines. People will love
you for it, because they don't want to be the ones to deal with the s**t.
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If you've ever been the one that has to clean it up, you know very well that s**t has
some of the properties of hot glue. It sticks very well. It adheres better to some
surfaces than others, but it almost never comes off easily. It takes plenty of elbow
grease to get the s**t off. Usually, the amount of effort it takes to remove the s**t is
in proportion to the importance that there be no s**t there. Also, the only people that
think s**t removal is easy are those that have never had to scrape and hose it off of
concrete or stucco.
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- Anyone who doesn't swing their arms when they walk.
- People wearing t-shirts covered with drool (especially if it's somebody else's drool).
- Anyone who looks exactly like you.
- Anyone yodeling in an urban setting.
- Guys wearing sandals with socks at the beach.
- Anyone wearing their underwear outside their clothing.
- People with holes in the seat of their pants.
- Anyone who goes by the name "Goat Boy".
- Women wearing a tutu to work (unless they are ballerinas).
- Elevator salespersons.
- Insurance salespersons.
- Elevator insurance salespersons.
- Drunk people (unless you know them well).
- People with guns (unless you know them very well).
- Drunk people with guns (especially if you know them very well).
- This man --->
 (very dangerous)!
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Once upon a time, two gentlemen were discussing the vicissitudes and vagaries of life.
The conversation went something like this:
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R: |
So, what should we do about next week's show? |
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C: |
I don't have the foggiest idea. What do you think? |
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R: |
Aw, who the f**k knows? |
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C: |
I hate it when you call me f**knose. |
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R: |
What would you like me to call you? |
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C: |
Anything but "late for dinner." |
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R: |
What is for dinner, anyhow? |
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C: |
Fish. |
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R: |
Okay then, how about fishnose? |
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It stuck! |
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(make up your own melody)
Fishy, wishy in the brook,
Daddy catch you on a hook,
Mommy fry you in the pan,
Baby eat you like a man.
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All opinions expressed on this page are the opinions of this author, and do not
reflect upon the corporation or real life, except in striking similarities to reality.
Objects in mirror are closer than they appear. Void where prohibited by law. Manufacturer
reserves the right to substitute item of equal value. Not for sale to minors. Take
with plenty of water. Contents may settle during shipping. Read this
entire manual before attempting assembly. Do not over-inflate -
damage and/or injury may result. Taxes are the responsibility of the winner. Sit up
straight. Don't throw things in the house. Wait until your father gets home. DO NOT back
up! Do not expose to moisture. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200. Do not eat!
Removal of this sticker will void warranty. You're in big trouble now. Oooh, I'm telling!
Stop picking that! Are we there yet? Shake well before using. Unit will not operate with
batteries reversed. See diagram. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. Do
not operate heavy machinery. Where do you think you're going without a coat? Look before
backing up. Make sure safety cover is in place before turning on power. Unexpected
discharge can cause blindness. Your mileage may vary. Colonel Mustard in the Library with
the lead pipe. If Johnny jumped off a bridge, would you jump too? Use only in well
ventilated area. Do not attempt this at home. Professional driver on closed course. See
your salesman for details. Close cover before striking. Do not place fingers in front of
rotating blades. You'll put someone's eye out! No one under 17 admitted without a parent
or guardian. Offer void where prohibited by law. Hey, is that a pickle in your pocket or are you
glad to see me? Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Caution, tray is hot. Two drink minimum. Not for outdoor use. Do not point
directly at face. Does that thing come in adult sizes? If you don't cut it out, it's going
to freeze that way. You'll go blind. Point at base of fire and move side to side. This end
up. Do not use excessive force. Do not puncture or incinerate. Do not adjust your
set. This station will now conduct a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is only
a test...
Copyright © 1997-2004 Mind Over Machines Inc. All rights reserved.
Information in this document is subject to change without notice. Documents with this
information are subject to notice without change.
This page last updated
05/22/07
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